thehallway

Just spent some time (when I should have been grading) going through and purging all the tumblr accounts I follow that have been inactive for a year, two, four, however many years it’s been. I do this more regularly on my twitter feed, but today the purging and the time frames really made an impression on me. I mean, how long have I been on social media? There used to be such a vibrant, thriving community of educators on tumblr. For the most part they are gone. I find what’s left of my PLC on twitter. But even there it seems that the community is shrinking, failing, disappearing, amid all the talk of teacher shortages and reforms in education. There is no shortage of teachers. There is a shortage of qualified people willing to work in education and in classrooms for poverty wages and a constant barrage of disrespect and demonization. But that’s another discussion.

Where has the time gone? I realistically am five years out from retirement, but those five years seem like forever. Looking back, however, where did the last five years go? They disappeared in a flash, a blinded haze where I simply put one foot in front of the other and marched on, being the ever good little soldier/teacher/mother. Without noticing the passage of time, the closing of doors, the monotony of existing in this time and place. Maybe it’s the brutalization of teaching as a profession and education in general. Maybe it’s the increasing danger facing us in our political, social, and economic realities as institutions come under attack and threaten to collapse under the weight of it all. Oligarchy, authoritarianism, marginalization for large segments of society are terrifying things. Our political reality is a shitshow on fire. Watching the slow moving massacre occur, trying to ride the wave of change and make decisions that will not cost you everything is exhausting. There is no time for everything that needs to be nurtured, reflected on. There is no time even to barely achieve anything beyond basic existence.

Even fandom offers little of the joy and solace it has in the past for me. I haven’t written fic, or anything non-profession related, in over a decade. I may have forgotten how. Fandom seems as fragmented and fragile and tribal as every other area of life. I am tired and looking at a stack of grading to be done as I sit here commiserating with myself, which is not a good look for me right now. I eat, I shop, I work, and it all seems a bit empty, going through the motions. I’m so grateful for my kids and my friends and my cat and my occasional travel, which is what is making all the continuing on possible. The road ahead is a blurry mess, and I wish I could do a better job at reading the signs, but it is what it is.

For now I guess I’ll just sink back into my funk and watch the cat cleaning himself. And maybe try to get a little scoring done.

So basically I was 'offered' the chance to teach my favorite elective next semester today. I haven't taught it in two years due to the shortage of teachers in my department. They first wanted to just collapse a section of my AP World History and sort those kids into my other AP World classes and give me the elective. But that just means I'd have the same number of kids, plus my new section of kids, and just more grading and prep so I said I'd do it as an extra-contractual. Took them 28 minutes to move through the process and jump through the hoops of approving my extra-contractual. Yeah, it's more work, but at least this way I get paid for it. I'm already tired.

Trying not to be too bitter and cynical here on the eve of the New Year, but I've spent 40 hours scoring on line in my side hustle over my relatively short Christmas Break since I need, you know, my second (and third) part-time jobs to bolster my full-time job earnings. So a big fuck you all as I finish my eight hour shift to all of the haters out there talking mad smack about teachers. Cuz I am not trying to hear that.

Teachers Quit at Highest Rate on Record in 2018

ah, gotta love the state. they just cut another $300 per pupil from district funding for this year with undoubtedly more to come next year. this state is a sink/hell hole. so i'm sure we're in for another round of teacher layoffs since we can't possibly cut admin or their salaries and it's not like teachers do anything in the educative process except fuck it up unlike all those management types the business model of public education cannot do without.

but, for better or worse, the trimester is over in less than 20 class periods. of course we still don't have a viable final exam as the bitch who was supposed to revise it for the last two years still hasn't gotten around to it and doesn't want to give us a test she in 'good conscience' can't continue to give as it doesn't 'do justice to either the course or students.' stupid bitch has had two years teaching this course and has one prep all year as opposed to our having multiple preps and still hasn't gotten this done or right. i'm tired of having to cover/pick up the slack for the dead weight in my department.

yeah, i'm bitter as hell. but that's probably because i'm sick and cold and the weather sucks here.