thehallway (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
thehallway) wrote2019-02-16 11:43 am
thehallway) wrote2019-02-16 11:43 am
Entry tags:
Saturday Morning
Just spent some time (when I should have been grading) going through and purging all the tumblr accounts I follow that have been inactive for a year, two, four, however many years it’s been. I do this more regularly on my twitter feed, but today the purging and the time frames really made an impression on me. I mean, how long have I been on social media? There used to be such a vibrant, thriving community of educators on tumblr. For the most part they are gone. I find what’s left of my PLC on twitter. But even there it seems that the community is shrinking, failing, disappearing, amid all the talk of teacher shortages and reforms in education. There is no shortage of teachers. There is a shortage of qualified people willing to work in education and in classrooms for poverty wages and a constant barrage of disrespect and demonization. But that’s another discussion.
Where has the time gone? I realistically am five years out from retirement, but those five years seem like forever. Looking back, however, where did the last five years go? They disappeared in a flash, a blinded haze where I simply put one foot in front of the other and marched on, being the ever good little soldier/teacher/mother. Without noticing the passage of time, the closing of doors, the monotony of existing in this time and place. Maybe it’s the brutalization of teaching as a profession and education in general. Maybe it’s the increasing danger facing us in our political, social, and economic realities as institutions come under attack and threaten to collapse under the weight of it all. Oligarchy, authoritarianism, marginalization for large segments of society are terrifying things. Our political reality is a shitshow on fire. Watching the slow moving massacre occur, trying to ride the wave of change and make decisions that will not cost you everything is exhausting. There is no time for everything that needs to be nurtured, reflected on. There is no time even to barely achieve anything beyond basic existence.
Even fandom offers little of the joy and solace it has in the past for me. I haven’t written fic, or anything non-profession related, in over a decade. I may have forgotten how. Fandom seems as fragmented and fragile and tribal as every other area of life. I am tired and looking at a stack of grading to be done as I sit here commiserating with myself, which is not a good look for me right now. I eat, I shop, I work, and it all seems a bit empty, going through the motions. I’m so grateful for my kids and my friends and my cat and my occasional travel, which is what is making all the continuing on possible. The road ahead is a blurry mess, and I wish I could do a better job at reading the signs, but it is what it is.
For now I guess I’ll just sink back into my funk and watch the cat cleaning himself. And maybe try to get a little scoring done.
Where has the time gone? I realistically am five years out from retirement, but those five years seem like forever. Looking back, however, where did the last five years go? They disappeared in a flash, a blinded haze where I simply put one foot in front of the other and marched on, being the ever good little soldier/teacher/mother. Without noticing the passage of time, the closing of doors, the monotony of existing in this time and place. Maybe it’s the brutalization of teaching as a profession and education in general. Maybe it’s the increasing danger facing us in our political, social, and economic realities as institutions come under attack and threaten to collapse under the weight of it all. Oligarchy, authoritarianism, marginalization for large segments of society are terrifying things. Our political reality is a shitshow on fire. Watching the slow moving massacre occur, trying to ride the wave of change and make decisions that will not cost you everything is exhausting. There is no time for everything that needs to be nurtured, reflected on. There is no time even to barely achieve anything beyond basic existence.
Even fandom offers little of the joy and solace it has in the past for me. I haven’t written fic, or anything non-profession related, in over a decade. I may have forgotten how. Fandom seems as fragmented and fragile and tribal as every other area of life. I am tired and looking at a stack of grading to be done as I sit here commiserating with myself, which is not a good look for me right now. I eat, I shop, I work, and it all seems a bit empty, going through the motions. I’m so grateful for my kids and my friends and my cat and my occasional travel, which is what is making all the continuing on possible. The road ahead is a blurry mess, and I wish I could do a better job at reading the signs, but it is what it is.
For now I guess I’ll just sink back into my funk and watch the cat cleaning himself. And maybe try to get a little scoring done.